Technomancy’s Three Second Summaries

by

TECHNOMANCY’S THREE SECOND ANIME AND MANGA SUMMARIES

We Watch Anime So You Don’t Have To
In the order in which we thought of them.

GUNDAM WING

Relena:
War is bad.

Dorothy:
War is good.

Heero:
War is all I understand.

Treize:
War is… oh, hell, I need more wine.

(he dies.)

THE END

KENSHIN

Kenshin:
I used to kill people, but now I’m good.

Shishio:
BLAARGH!

(95 episodes later:)

THE END

GRAVITATION

Shuuichi:
I love you, Yuki!

Yuki:
Shut up.

THE END

SERIAL EXPERIMENTS LAIN

(Lain stares at telephone wires.)

The Internet:
BLAARGH!

THE END

WEISS KREUZ

Aya:
I’m a dick, because my sister’s asleep.

Youji:
Let’s have sex! No, wait. AAASUKAAAA!

(Omi cries.)

Ken:
I play soccer!

Schwartz:
Screw you all, we’re having an orgy over here.

(fangirls poing.)

THE END

TOKYO BABYLON

Seishirou:
Tokyo sucks.

(Subaru has his faith in humanity shattered and becomes a brittle hollow shell of a man.)

THE END

X

The Apocalypse:
BLAARGH!

(Kamui cries.)

THE END

NEON GENESIS EVANGELION

GAINAX:
BLAARGH!

(Shinji cries.)

THE END

END OF EVANGELION

GAINAX:
And in case you missed it the first time, BLAARGH!

Asuka:
I feel sick.

THE END

UTENA

Utena:
I want to be a prince.

Anthy:
I want to be a princess. Or I would, if I had emotions.

Duellists:
Let’s fight.

Akio:
Let’s have sex.

Utena:

(Utena wins.)

Director:
Look! See, it’s a metaphor! SEE?!

THE END

ANGEL SANCTUARY

Mangaka:
I’ve read the Bible. No, really. I swear.

Katan:
TENTACLE TENTACLE TENTACLE.

Technomancy:
We haven’t read the whole thing. Would you? It’s twenty books.

THE END

PERFECT BLUE

Reality:
BLAARGH!

Mina:
I have boobs!

THE END

PLEASE SAVE MY EARTH

Cast:
God, this all seems so familiar.

Rin:
If I don’t have Tokyo Tower, I’m going to die!

Audience:
Yeah, kid, get in line.

THE END

RANMA 1/2

Akane:
I don’t want Ranma!

Ukyo:
I’ll take him!

Shampoo:
Shampoo take him!

Kodachi:
Ranma-sama is mine, o ho ho ho!

(Genma holds up a sign: Has anyone seen my breakfast?)

Ryoga:
I didn’t know the Statue of Liberty was in Osaka.

Ranma:
Does this bathing suit make me look fat?

THE END

COWBOY BEBOP

Crew of Bebop:
I’m hungry.

Spike:
(Backstory-related spoilers).

Audience:
Hey, pretty music.

THE END

TRIGUN

Vash:
I’m a dork. Wait, no, I’m not.

(The series cops out.)

Manga:
I kick your ass, series.

Wolfwood:
Boy, howdy.

THE END

GHOST IN THE SHELL

Kusanagi:
I fight naked!

Torso:
BLAARGH!

THE END

VAMPIRE HUNTER D

D:
My best friend is, in fact, my hand.

D’s Hand:
You suck, D.

THE END

KIMBA THE WHITE LION

Kimba:
I’m cute.

Disney:
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

THE END

FLCL

GAINAX:
I repeat, BLAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Audience:
… !!

W2:
THAT KICKED ASS.

THE END

AI NO KUSABI

Movie:
Buttsex! Or not.

(Everyone dies.)

THE END

WICKED CITY

Audience:
… Some places should not have teeth.

THE END

INUYASHA

Series:
Suck suck suck.

THE END

NOIR

With special guest smartass: Suze!

Kirika:
Angst!

Mireille:
Guns!

Chloe:
Lesbians!

Altena:
Psuedo-Templar Bullshit!

Soldats:
BLAARGH!

THE END

FUSHIGI YUUGI

Miaka:
I’m the obvious shoujo self-insert who eats like a pig and has no manners and yet is still somehow magically the love interest of every male in the cast! Even the gay ones!

Nuriko:
I’m the gay one.

Suzaka Shichiseishi:
We’re seven good-looking men, and we’re here to protect /you/!

Nakago:
Screw you all, I’m going to kiss Tamahome.

(He does. Yui pouts).

THE END

MAHOU TSUKAI TAI

Sae:
I’m the not-so-obvious shoujo self-insert who has a fuzzy teddy bear!

Jeff-kun:

Takeo:
I should tell her about my feelings. Or I could just imagine her in panties.

Jeff-kun:

Aburatsubo:
I’m voithed by Koyathu Takehi~to. No, really.

Jeff-kun:
… BLAARGH!

THE END

SAIYUKI

Sanzo:
I’m a priest.

Story:
Behold the power of a thinly disguised Chinese legend!

Audience:
….Didn’t we see this in Dragonball?

Hakkai:
Shhh.

Audience:
The woman who wrote this was a yaoi doujinshika, wasn’t she?

Mangaka:
Hush. Now for more pretty boys with homoerotic cigarettes.

THE END

CARD CAPTOR SAKURA

Sakura:
I’m so cute!

Tomoyo:
Gosh, this is just like a shoujo manga! Can I make all your costumes?

Kero-chan:
Being the three-headed hound of hell really sucks balls.

Yue and Touya:
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Audience:
And this is for small children?

Sakura:
Just watch the pretty flower petals.

THE END

KIMERA

Kimera:

Audience:
…Dude looks like a lady.

Series:
That is a lady.

Audience:
Woah.

(Kimera proceeds to have sex, a la /Species/. Cathedrals blow up. There are flashbacks.)

THE END

THE DAGGER OF KAMUI

Pantsless Boy:
That’s not my name!

Audience:
Who remembers your real name? You’re not wearing any pants!

(Pantsless Boy cries.)

Native Americans:
Believe it or not, we speak Japanese! Welcome to our family, Pantsless Boy!

Pantsless Boy:
And now I will avenge something! Or do something noble! Or maybe buy pants!

Audience:
zzzzzzzzzzzz.

THE END

BATTLE ANGEL ALITA

Gally/Alita:
Although I am a cyborg with a tragic past, I can’t remember it, so I’m going to be cute and happy! And make friends! And find a boyfriend! My life is so happy now!

Dr. Desty Nova:
I’m coming to make your life suck.

Kaos:
Duuuuuude. It’s, like, so groooooovy.

Ido:
I’m sorry, who are you again? You look familiar, and yet I know I’ve never seen you before, because I’m just a simple man who’s been here all my life.

Dr. Desty Nova:
Look at me! I have a microchip for a brain!

Gally/Alita:
I could have told you that.

(A tree grows.)

THE END

BAKURETSU HUNTERS

Carrot:
We hunt sorcerers!

Chocolate and Tira Misu:
We wear very little clothing!

Marron:
I hate it when my brother turns into a horny beast.

Gateau:
Did someone say horny?

Onion:
Who ever heard of a villain named Onion?

Chocolate and Tira Misu:
Did we mention we wear very little clothing?

Audience:
Why don’t you mention it again?

THE END

CLAMP CAMPUS DETECTIVES

Series:
cute cute cute cute cute cute cute cute cute

Audience:
We get the point already.

Series:
cute cute cute cute HOLY SHIT IT’S A PLOT!

Audience:
Far out.

Nokoru:
Where’s my special person?

(Suoh hides.)

THE END

MARTIAN SUCCESSOR NADESICO

Yukina:
Akito doesn’t love me!

Akito:
I don’t love you.

Yukina:
See?

Gekiganger:
Let’s go passion!

Ruri:
Baka.

THE END

SLAYERS

Lina and Gourry:
We’re hungry!

(They eat.)

Lina and Gourry:
There’s treasure!

(Shit blows up.)

Lina and Gourry:
We’re hungry again!

(Zelgadis mopes.)

THE END

MACROSS

Minmei:
Let me sing for universal happiness!

Audience:
Bimbo.

THE END

ESCAFLOWNE

Hitomi:
I have tarot cards!

Van:
I have wings!

Allen:
I have hair!

Fate:
BLAARGH!

THE END

LOVE HINA

Keitarou:
It sure would be great if I could go to Toudai. Hey, look, boobs!

THE END

FLAME OF RECCA

Recca:
I’m a ninja!

Fuuko:
I have boobs!

Domon:
I’m big!

Mikagami:
I’m surly!

Fuzzy Thing:
BLAARGH ya!

(twenty episodes of tournaments ensue)

Audience:

THE END

ZETSUAI

Izumi:
I play soccer and angst!

Kouji:
I sing and angst!

(homosexuality ensues.)

THE END

BRONZE

Izumi:
I continue to play soccer and angst! I’ll be back in a week, Kouji.

Kouji:
BLAAAAARGH!

Izumi:
Wow, overreact much? I think I’ll angst.

Kouji:
… … … …

Izumi:
I love you, too.

(homosexuality ensues.)

THE END

JUNK BOY

Ryouhei:
boobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobs

Audience:
YAY!

THE END

KIZUNA

Audience:
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

THE END

SAILOR MOON

Sailor Moon:
I have magical powers and a tiny sailor outfit!

Sailor Scouts:
We’re her hordes of overly voluptuous teenage female friends!

Hentai Artists of the World:
Heh heh heh.

THE END

DRAGONBALL Z

Vegeta:
BLAARGH!

(twenty-episode-long battles ensue)

Preadolescent Boys:
d00d, t|-|1s r0xx0rz!

THE END

POKEMON

Pikachu:
Pikachu! Pikachu!

Jigglypuff:
Jigglypuff! Jigglypuff!

Charmander:
Charmander! Charmander!

James:
Wanna feel my Pokeballs?

Ash:
….No.

THE END

STRINGS OF FATE

Mao:
Kill!

Kuang Hu:
Sulk.

Tony:
Oro?

Meishuu:
Heh heh.

Technomancy:
……SWEET!

THE END

AKIRA

Kaneda:
TETSUOOOOO!!!

Tetsuo:
KANEDAAAAA!!!

Creepy Dolls:
BLAAAAARGH!

Tokyo:
Not again….

THE END

DIGI CHARAT

Dijiko:
Nya!

Puchiko:
Nyo!

Gema:
Gemagema!

Gamers:
BUY OUR STUFF.

THE END

KODOMO NO OMOCHA

Sana:
EEEEEEEEEEEEE*thunk*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*crash*EEEEEEEEEE!

Audience:
…..My head hurts.

THE END

EARTHIAN

Chihaya:
*flap*

Kagetsuya:
*flap*

Chihaya:
Humans are great!

Kagetsuya:
Humans suck.

Audience:
So where’s the sex?

THE END

FAKE

Dee:
I’m an openly gay New York City cop!

Ryo:
Somehow, no one thinks anything strange of this.

(homosexuality ensues.)

THE END

GESTALT

Ohri:
If you think I’m sexy now, just wait until … wait, the OAV didn’t have time for that.

Oliver:
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned….

Ohri:
BOOOOOOBIES!

Oliver:
…far out.

THE END

Source: Aquiline Studios

Notes: Aquiline cites copypasta is originally from http://www.mancer.net/etc/How/anime.html which no longer exists.

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