TECHNOMANCY’S THREE SECOND ANIME AND MANGA SUMMARIES
We Watch Anime So You Don’t Have To
In the order in which we thought of them.
GUNDAM WING
Relena:
War is bad.
Dorothy:
War is good.
Heero:
War is all I understand.
Treize:
War is… oh, hell, I need more wine.
(he dies.)
THE END
KENSHIN
Kenshin:
I used to kill people, but now I’m good.
Shishio:
BLAARGH!
(95 episodes later:)
THE END
GRAVITATION
Shuuichi:
I love you, Yuki!
Yuki:
Shut up.
THE END
SERIAL EXPERIMENTS LAIN
(Lain stares at telephone wires.)
The Internet:
BLAARGH!
THE END
WEISS KREUZ
Aya:
I’m a dick, because my sister’s asleep.
Youji:
Let’s have sex! No, wait. AAASUKAAAA!
(Omi cries.)
Ken:
I play soccer!
Schwartz:
Screw you all, we’re having an orgy over here.
(fangirls poing.)
THE END
TOKYO BABYLON
Seishirou:
Tokyo sucks.
(Subaru has his faith in humanity shattered and becomes a brittle hollow shell of a man.)
THE END
X
The Apocalypse:
BLAARGH!
(Kamui cries.)
THE END
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION
GAINAX:
BLAARGH!
(Shinji cries.)
THE END
END OF EVANGELION
GAINAX:
And in case you missed it the first time, BLAARGH!
Asuka:
I feel sick.
THE END
UTENA
Utena:
I want to be a prince.
Anthy:
I want to be a princess. Or I would, if I had emotions.
Duellists:
Let’s fight.
Akio:
Let’s have sex.
Utena:
…
(Utena wins.)
Director:
Look! See, it’s a metaphor! SEE?!
THE END
ANGEL SANCTUARY
Mangaka:
I’ve read the Bible. No, really. I swear.
Katan:
TENTACLE TENTACLE TENTACLE.
Technomancy:
We haven’t read the whole thing. Would you? It’s twenty books.
THE END
PERFECT BLUE
Reality:
BLAARGH!
Mina:
I have boobs!
THE END
PLEASE SAVE MY EARTH
Cast:
God, this all seems so familiar.
Rin:
If I don’t have Tokyo Tower, I’m going to die!
Audience:
Yeah, kid, get in line.
THE END
RANMA 1/2
Akane:
I don’t want Ranma!
Ukyo:
I’ll take him!
Shampoo:
Shampoo take him!
Kodachi:
Ranma-sama is mine, o ho ho ho!
(Genma holds up a sign: Has anyone seen my breakfast?)
Ryoga:
I didn’t know the Statue of Liberty was in Osaka.
Ranma:
Does this bathing suit make me look fat?
THE END
COWBOY BEBOP
Crew of Bebop:
I’m hungry.
Spike:
(Backstory-related spoilers).
Audience:
Hey, pretty music.
THE END
TRIGUN
Vash:
I’m a dork. Wait, no, I’m not.
(The series cops out.)
Manga:
I kick your ass, series.
Wolfwood:
Boy, howdy.
THE END
GHOST IN THE SHELL
Kusanagi:
I fight naked!
Torso:
BLAARGH!
THE END
VAMPIRE HUNTER D
D:
My best friend is, in fact, my hand.
D’s Hand:
You suck, D.
THE END
KIMBA THE WHITE LION
Kimba:
I’m cute.
Disney:
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
THE END
FLCL
GAINAX:
I repeat, BLAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Audience:
… !!
W2:
THAT KICKED ASS.
THE END
AI NO KUSABI
Movie:
Buttsex! Or not.
(Everyone dies.)
THE END
WICKED CITY
Audience:
… Some places should not have teeth.
THE END
INUYASHA
Series:
Suck suck suck.
THE END
NOIR
With special guest smartass: Suze!
Kirika:
Angst!
Mireille:
Guns!
Chloe:
Lesbians!
Altena:
Psuedo-Templar Bullshit!
Soldats:
BLAARGH!
THE END
FUSHIGI YUUGI
Miaka:
I’m the obvious shoujo self-insert who eats like a pig and has no manners and yet is still somehow magically the love interest of every male in the cast! Even the gay ones!
Nuriko:
I’m the gay one.
Suzaka Shichiseishi:
We’re seven good-looking men, and we’re here to protect /you/!
Nakago:
Screw you all, I’m going to kiss Tamahome.
(He does. Yui pouts).
THE END
MAHOU TSUKAI TAI
Sae:
I’m the not-so-obvious shoujo self-insert who has a fuzzy teddy bear!
Jeff-kun:
…
Takeo:
I should tell her about my feelings. Or I could just imagine her in panties.
Jeff-kun:
…
Aburatsubo:
I’m voithed by Koyathu Takehi~to. No, really.
Jeff-kun:
… BLAARGH!
THE END
SAIYUKI
Sanzo:
I’m a priest.
Story:
Behold the power of a thinly disguised Chinese legend!
Audience:
….Didn’t we see this in Dragonball?
Hakkai:
Shhh.
Audience:
The woman who wrote this was a yaoi doujinshika, wasn’t she?
Mangaka:
Hush. Now for more pretty boys with homoerotic cigarettes.
THE END
CARD CAPTOR SAKURA
Sakura:
I’m so cute!
Tomoyo:
Gosh, this is just like a shoujo manga! Can I make all your costumes?
Kero-chan:
Being the three-headed hound of hell really sucks balls.
Yue and Touya:
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Audience:
And this is for small children?
Sakura:
Just watch the pretty flower petals.
THE END
KIMERA
Kimera:
…
Audience:
…Dude looks like a lady.
Series:
That is a lady.
Audience:
Woah.
(Kimera proceeds to have sex, a la /Species/. Cathedrals blow up. There are flashbacks.)
THE END
THE DAGGER OF KAMUI
Pantsless Boy:
That’s not my name!
Audience:
Who remembers your real name? You’re not wearing any pants!
(Pantsless Boy cries.)
Native Americans:
Believe it or not, we speak Japanese! Welcome to our family, Pantsless Boy!
Pantsless Boy:
And now I will avenge something! Or do something noble! Or maybe buy pants!
Audience:
zzzzzzzzzzzz.
THE END
BATTLE ANGEL ALITA
Gally/Alita:
Although I am a cyborg with a tragic past, I can’t remember it, so I’m going to be cute and happy! And make friends! And find a boyfriend! My life is so happy now!
Dr. Desty Nova:
I’m coming to make your life suck.
Kaos:
Duuuuuude. It’s, like, so groooooovy.
Ido:
I’m sorry, who are you again? You look familiar, and yet I know I’ve never seen you before, because I’m just a simple man who’s been here all my life.
Dr. Desty Nova:
Look at me! I have a microchip for a brain!
Gally/Alita:
I could have told you that.
(A tree grows.)
THE END
BAKURETSU HUNTERS
Carrot:
We hunt sorcerers!
Chocolate and Tira Misu:
We wear very little clothing!
Marron:
I hate it when my brother turns into a horny beast.
Gateau:
Did someone say horny?
Onion:
Who ever heard of a villain named Onion?
Chocolate and Tira Misu:
Did we mention we wear very little clothing?
Audience:
Why don’t you mention it again?
THE END
CLAMP CAMPUS DETECTIVES
Series:
cute cute cute cute cute cute cute cute cute
Audience:
We get the point already.
Series:
cute cute cute cute HOLY SHIT IT’S A PLOT!
Audience:
Far out.
Nokoru:
Where’s my special person?
(Suoh hides.)
THE END
MARTIAN SUCCESSOR NADESICO
Yukina:
Akito doesn’t love me!
Akito:
I don’t love you.
Yukina:
See?
Gekiganger:
Let’s go passion!
Ruri:
Baka.
THE END
SLAYERS
Lina and Gourry:
We’re hungry!
(They eat.)
Lina and Gourry:
There’s treasure!
(Shit blows up.)
Lina and Gourry:
We’re hungry again!
(Zelgadis mopes.)
THE END
MACROSS
Minmei:
Let me sing for universal happiness!
Audience:
Bimbo.
THE END
ESCAFLOWNE
Hitomi:
I have tarot cards!
Van:
I have wings!
Allen:
I have hair!
Fate:
BLAARGH!
THE END
LOVE HINA
Keitarou:
It sure would be great if I could go to Toudai. Hey, look, boobs!
THE END
FLAME OF RECCA
Recca:
I’m a ninja!
Fuuko:
I have boobs!
Domon:
I’m big!
Mikagami:
I’m surly!
Fuzzy Thing:
BLAARGH ya!
(twenty episodes of tournaments ensue)
Audience:
…
THE END
ZETSUAI
Izumi:
I play soccer and angst!
Kouji:
I sing and angst!
(homosexuality ensues.)
THE END
BRONZE
Izumi:
I continue to play soccer and angst! I’ll be back in a week, Kouji.
Kouji:
BLAAAAARGH!
Izumi:
Wow, overreact much? I think I’ll angst.
Kouji:
… … … …
Izumi:
I love you, too.
(homosexuality ensues.)
THE END
JUNK BOY
Ryouhei:
boobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobs
Audience:
YAY!
THE END
KIZUNA
Audience:
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
THE END
SAILOR MOON
Sailor Moon:
I have magical powers and a tiny sailor outfit!
Sailor Scouts:
We’re her hordes of overly voluptuous teenage female friends!
Hentai Artists of the World:
Heh heh heh.
THE END
DRAGONBALL Z
Vegeta:
BLAARGH!
(twenty-episode-long battles ensue)
Preadolescent Boys:
d00d, t|-|1s r0xx0rz!
THE END
POKEMON
Pikachu:
Pikachu! Pikachu!
Jigglypuff:
Jigglypuff! Jigglypuff!
Charmander:
Charmander! Charmander!
James:
Wanna feel my Pokeballs?
Ash:
….No.
THE END
STRINGS OF FATE
Mao:
Kill!
Kuang Hu:
Sulk.
Tony:
Oro?
Meishuu:
Heh heh.
Technomancy:
……SWEET!
THE END
AKIRA
Kaneda:
TETSUOOOOO!!!
Tetsuo:
KANEDAAAAA!!!
Creepy Dolls:
BLAAAAARGH!
Tokyo:
Not again….
THE END
DIGI CHARAT
Dijiko:
Nya!
Puchiko:
Nyo!
Gema:
Gemagema!
Gamers:
BUY OUR STUFF.
THE END
KODOMO NO OMOCHA
Sana:
EEEEEEEEEEEEE*thunk*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*crash*EEEEEEEEEE!
Audience:
…..My head hurts.
THE END
EARTHIAN
Chihaya:
*flap*
Kagetsuya:
*flap*
Chihaya:
Humans are great!
Kagetsuya:
Humans suck.
Audience:
So where’s the sex?
THE END
FAKE
Dee:
I’m an openly gay New York City cop!
Ryo:
Somehow, no one thinks anything strange of this.
(homosexuality ensues.)
THE END
GESTALT
Ohri:
If you think I’m sexy now, just wait until … wait, the OAV didn’t have time for that.
Oliver:
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned….
Ohri:
BOOOOOOBIES!
Oliver:
…far out.
THE END
Source: Aquiline Studios
Notes: Aquiline cites copypasta is originally from http://www.mancer.net/etc/How/anime.html which no longer exists.
